I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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