it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
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I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
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I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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