he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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