I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
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Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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