The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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