When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
