the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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