Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
