He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Drunk is a universal language darling
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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