I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
