my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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