I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
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You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
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He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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