Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
