Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
