just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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