"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
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