Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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