you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
this hospital has no fireball
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
