someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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