Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
