I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
