i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
