Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
