I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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