Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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