Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
