I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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