I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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