My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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