As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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