I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
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I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Enjoy the penises
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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