I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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