a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
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HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
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Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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