I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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