The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
