I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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