when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
