youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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