Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I love you.
Bad choice
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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