I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
