Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
