Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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