I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
