If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
