What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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