I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize
