the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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