If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
