I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
