Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
