If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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